The Birth Story of Amalie

I think it scares me to write this story down, to try and capture the beauty, the joy and the magnitude of this day. That however, is a fixed mind-set (more on that later-but read "Mindset" until then).

How do I go about writing about a day that completely changed who I was? How do I eloquently describe my feelings and thoughts. How can I transport you, the anonymous reader into that 26 hour time frame? How do I make you experience my emotions and see the beauty and miracle of life. I can't, not perfectly a least, but I will try.

Something you should know: I am a strong believer in natural birth. I believe in midwifes and I strongly dislike the business that birthing human beings has become. I believe that I, as a woman was made to carry and birth a child. I was designed to know how to do this. For thousands of years women have carried and birthed healthy children. Many died yes, but so many more lived. 

Watch "The Business of Being Born." Know that 1 out of every 3 children born in the U.S. is delivered via C-section. Know that your OBGYN is a trained surgeon. Know that most OBGYN's have never seen a natural childbirth and consequently don't know that it can be a natural and normal process. Know that the U.S. has one of the highest mortality rates of mothers and newborns of a developed country. (If you want sources on these, let me know. They are from numerous articles I have read but a lot will come from "The Business of Being Born"-Netflix people).

All that being said, I am completely supportive of people making their own decisions and doing what they feel comfortable with. I think hospitals and doctors and modern medicine are incredible. I just think there are unnecessary things that happen and complicate the process when it comes to child birthing in the hospital. 

Also, I did not choose to do this because it was trendy. I did not choose to have a natural child birth because I wanted to prove something to myself or the world. I didn't do this to show that I was more woman than those who choose to have pain medication. Because it doesn't matter if you have pain medication or not-it doesn't make you more of a woman to experience more "pain" than the next. That isn't what it is about. It was about coming back to the way things were meant to be. It was about having my body perform an incredible function that it was supposed to do. My body knows how to carry and have a child and I needed to trust my body and let it do its thing. It was about understanding that my body was in control, and that was an incredible thing to have to do, turn over my control to my body. It was also about being in tune and feeling every part of the process. It was about understanding who I was as a woman and being there, involved in all of it. 

Weird that I feel like I have to defend myself about this...

Background:

At 26 weeks I starting having contractions or braxton hicks. They scared me. I didn't want this babe to come that soon. Everything was fine and I was put on a "modified lifestyle." I couldn't exercise and I had to slow things down. Contractions continued the rest of the pregnancy but I had countless experiences and confirmations that everything would be just fine and this sweet baby girl would wait until the time was right. 

So I was used to having contractions. I was used the tightening sensation that hugged my baby.

Something else you should know: my birth preparation was called hypnobabies. Learn more at hypnobabies.com. It is a wonderful awesome way to retrain your mind about birth. So much in our society shows labor and delivery as painful, scary and something out of your control. All of these things are not true. We live with this and we have an expectation that labor will be the most painful thing a woman will have to experience. This is just not true. Hypnobabies helped me retrain my thinking so that I understood that I had control over what I was feeling, that I could create anesthesia in my body (it works) and that labor was wonderful and painless.

I had a painless birth.

Thursday, December 13th

10:00 am I wake up and do a bunch of nothing.

11:30 am I bake a cake

1:00 pm I pretend to study for my last final. I calculate that if I were to get 50/100 I would still have a solid A in the class. That is why I didn't study. I take the final online and pull off an 82. Cool.

4:15 pm We drive up to Mutual Dell up the American Fork Canyon for my little sister's surprise 16th birthday party. We set up, we party and we have a good time.

6:00-9:30 pm Tanner and I teach a line dance. I party with my family. I dance...a lot. I was done with finals and we were ready for baby to come whenever she wanted to (on her birthday of course, I also don't believe in due dates).

9:30 pm We start to clean up. I'm having a lot of contractions and they're pretty close together. A few of them begin to take my breath away. I lie down.

10:30 pm We arrive at my parents house and start to get ready for The Hobbit. I'm still having contractions and I'm trying not to think about it.

11:06 pm Wet sensation. I think to myself that perhaps my water is breaking. No big gush, just a small trickle. An uncontrollable trickle nonetheless. I tell Tanner. He gets excited. I'm trying not to get excited because what if I'm just being silly. The trickling however, does not cease.

11:08 pm. I go downstairs to where my mom is in her room getting ready for bed.

Me- "Mom, I think my water may have just broken."

Mom- "Ahh really?"

Dad- (asleep in the bed before The Hobbit premiere) "What? You think your water broke? That's so cool."

Me- "Can I show you, I just want to be sure."

Mom- "Um ya, I'm pretty sure your water has broken. What are you going to do?"

11:25-11:40 pm I call the midwife who tells me I'm at the early stages of labor and to take it easy and try to sleep. I tell her I want to go see The Hobbit and ask her what her opinion is. She called the other midwife and says it's up to us but thinks I should rest. Tanner and I debate about whether or not we should go. My mom says it may be good to go to get my mind off it. I am worried because I need rest but I also think I won't be able to sleep because I'm too excited.

11:40 pm My family leaves for the movie.

12:00 am Tanner and I leave for the movie.

12:15- 1:15 am We "watch" The Hobbit. I tell a woman in the bathroom I'm in labor-I had to tell someone! She was very concerned. I was just excited. We count contractions in the dark theatre. Tanner records them on the phone. I try different positions in the dark theatre. The movie isn't fast paced enough at the beginning. I'm bored and can't sit still. We decide to leave.

1:30 am We try and sleep. Sleep does not happen. I'm woken up every once in a while with pressure waves a.k.a contractions. Tanner keeps track of them all and helps me through them.

4:00 am ish We fill up the big jet tub in my parents bathroom. They go upstairs to sleep. It was very nice of them. I was so grateful in that moment that we were at my parents house because that tub was awesome. It was so big and lovely. 

5:30 am We call the midwives and they want us to come in to see how things are going. My contractions were 3-5 minutes a part but then we would have randomly at 7 min, 10 min, 2 min. They were all over the place. 

6:00 am to the birthing center. I'm 75% effaced and 2 cm. Seriously? All that work for nothing?? LAME. I am redetermined to open myself up and get this baby moving. They give me tylenol pm and magnesium so I can sleep.

6:30 am We get home, I pop in the tylenol pm and drift in and out for a few hours. 

8:30 am The fun begins!!! From here on out I do not remember times at all. It was a haze. I was on my hands and knees a lot during the contractions. Tanner would press on my hips because I was having some major back labor. 

We were in the bed for a while then moved to the couch. We stayed at the couch for a few hours...it felt like a minute-even though there were many contractions had there. I really wanted some ice chips for some reason. It was hard to drink water and eat although I and my midwives wanted me to eat throughout labor. I was just too nauseated. It was funny because after I told Tanner I wanted ice chips I thought-that is awful! That is what they give you in the hospital! Of course by this point I was having contractions every 5 minutes so Tanner couldn't really leave. Okay, he could have but I would not have survived with out him. I am completely serious when I say that. I could not have done it without him. Brian, his best friend was kind enough to go to Macey's and get some of the pebble ice for me. As he was dropping them off and Tanner was out the door, I started contracting. It freaked me out to not have Tanner there.

Tanner was amazing holding me up under the arms. I bore down and sometime even put my leg on the couch in the splits position. Somehow that helped? I think it was nice because I could visualize my hips opening up. How much detail should I go into here? ha ha Anyways, Tanner was recording, holding me, talking to me and it was great. Everytime I had a contraction I would visualize everything opening up and breath or make an "ahhh" sound. When your throat is open, everything else is open. It's called the sphincter law. Pretty neat stuff. 

Throughout this I had to use the bathroom a lot. It is hard to have a contraction when you are using the bathroom. The end...of that.

I was able to snack on some energy granola bars that my mom had gotten me from Costco and they were awesome. 

Sometime during this I asked Tanner to call the midwives because I was having contractions consistently now and wasn't sure when we should go in to the birthing center. Of course I wanted to go as long as possible at home but kept having visions of having her in the car-I did NOT want that to happen. They instruct Tanner that at some point I'll go into labor land. I guess this meant that I would be completely in the zone and a bit out of it? I don't know exactly. 

12:00 pm I get in our tub. Too small. I couldn't move around and change positions. It was annoying.

12:30 pm My mom came over. She brought us Zupas. I got into the bed. I scarfed down mushroom soup between contractions. Everytime Tanner would start eating I would have a contraction and he had to be there pushing on my hips poor guy. Tanner was so amazing talking me through everything. He had little things to say (that the hypnobabies program told him to say). The best thing that he did was validate everything I was doing. If I was breathing or making a certain sound he told me that it was good. He encouraged me to take control over what I was feeling and get in tune with my body. He was amazing.

1:30-2:00 pm I start to go into labor land. I am completely focused and in the zone. I am having contractions 3-5 minutes apart and Tanner called the midwives to let them know that we were thinking about coming in. I think they were a bit skeptical but of course let us come.

2:15-2:30 pm This is probably the worst part of it all. I hated being the car. The front seat was reclined and I was trying to get in comfortable positions but it was so hard. Tanner had to drive and I had to breath and moan on my own. I wanted to kill whoever invented stop lights. At the light right before the birthing center I was facing the back of the car with the reclined seat during a contraction. I remember thinking, if someone looked over at me right now would they think I was completely insane or gather that I was in labor? Who knows.

2:30 pm We get to the birthing center. I was mad that I had to wear clothes in order to get there. TMI? Whatever-I am telling you that when you are in labor you do NOT want clothes on (and I consider myself a very modest person). I thought I would labor in a dress or tank top but no way. I am just so grateful I did not have to have the hospital gown on because that is more awkward than being stark naked...because you're trying to cover up but you can't and it's just awkward. I'm sorry. This is a birth story, what did you expect?

At the birthing center they checked me. Now let me say something right here. I did not want to be checked throughout the pregnancy and labor unless it was necessary. I think they wanted to see how far I had progressed although numbers don't mean a whole lot to me. But I think they just didn't think I was ready to come in to the birthing center. When I was checked I got a  "oh hey girlfriend!!!" from my student midwife. I was a 7 and 100% effaced. That's what I'm talking about.

So they drew a bath and off we went. I threw up as soon as we got into the birthing suite and they were happy about that. Remember the sphincter law? I got in the bathtub and Tanner put on his swimming suit. Here are some pictures... don't worry they are modest. 

I love Tanner's face in this.
He worked so hard through this all. In the bathtub his leg were shaking like crazy!  He was so tired and holding me and pressing me. What an amazing man.

I think the biggest compliment to me and to hypnobabies was when my midwife told me she didn't know when I was having a contraction. Why don't I play poker?

3:30-4:00 I labored and felt like I maybe wanted to start pushing. Looking back I realize this was premature but you don't know how to push if you have never done it before. I was on my hands and knees a lot. At one point they encouraged me to change positions to help her down. We put on the pushing out hypnobabies CD in the background. It was lovely.

4:00-5:00?? pm I got on the birthing stool. That was annoying. As I sat there with Tanner behind me, the student midwife in front, the supervising midwife to the side, another student midwife taking notes and observing and my mom all sitting in this larger bathroom I realized how vulnerable I was. I mumbled something about hating being the center of attention. The supervising midwife asked if I wanted some of them to leave and I did. Everyone left except my student midwife and Tanner. I felt like I could let loose a bit more. At this point I could feel her head. That was neat but discouraging as she was so close yet wasn't coming.

5:00? pm They ask if I want to move to the bed. I secretly wanted to birth in the tub if it could happen that way. But at this point I was up for anything. They were worried that her head was stuck. When a baby is coming out of the birth canal, their head should be tucked with their chin towards their chest. They were concerned that her head was flexed and her chin wasn't near her chest. I would push and she would start coming and then would back up. It was two steps forward, one step back. That was hard. So they got me on the bed and checked her head. It was indeed flexed and not in the right position. So while I pushed they puller her head into the right position. YAY!

After I went to he bed I just laid on my side. I think I had silent tears and felt completely exhausted. I just wanted to be done. I was ready for her to be out. My midwife stroked my face and hair and I remember thinking it felt so nice. She was so tender and caring. I loved her. I snoozed for about two minutes which was the extra boost I needed. I thought it was five, but Tanner says two even though it felt like it was a long time. It helped me nonetheless.

The next part on the bed was a blur. I was completely in the zone and relaxed. When I felt a contraction I would push and feel a lot of pressure. All of the sudden they put an oxygen mask on me. I thought that meant I was dying. I had no IV's or anything constricting me throughout this all so this felt like my world was closing in around me. Apparently her heart rate had started to drop and they were wanting to make sure she was getting enough oxygen. I started to black out and hyperventilate. TOO MUCH OXYGEN. They took it off after about two minutes. I truly and honestly thought I was going to die in those moments. I was pushing, there was soo much pressure and I was blacking out. And I thought there was an emergency because they put oxygen on me. I am sure they told me what was going on but I was too out of it to remember. When I say out of it I am meaning that I was very focused on my body and letting it work the way it needed to. I was trying to get in the rhythm of my contractions and push whenever I could. Everything was a big blur. 

While Tanner was cradling me in his arms and I was pushing, these are thoughts I had:

The midwives kept telling me she had a lot of hair. I remember thinking "who cares? I don't care if she has hair, I just want her out!"

At one point I thought, "maybe she could just stay in there? She's been fine for 9 months, I don't really want to see her."

After she was crowning for a while I asked if they could just reach in there and grab her. I said, "Can't you just reach in there and grab her??" My midwife said she was trying but just couldn't get a good grip! Hilarious. 

Another time, as I was moaning/growling (yes I was extremely vocal. Probably embarrassingly so but who cares) the observing midwife advised me to moan in a different way so I don't get a hoarse voice. I starting making some other noise and thanked her. Because seriously, who wants a hoarse voice right after they had a baby? 

I was so beyond tired. I pushed for about two hours and man it was hard stuff. I truly thought I could not get her out. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to just get her out. Looking back I realize she obviously was not ready yet. Her head was flexed and I was new to this. I was just figuring it out and that is okay. You do have to get to a point where you don't think you can do it anymore. That is when the Lord steps in and you trust Him. You trust that he has created my body to do this and that your baby will not be in there forever. You trust your husband and body. Tanner was so encouraging and helpful and somewhere deep down in myself I found the strength to do this. It was so hard but so wonderful.

Suddenly her head came out! I looked down and saw a blue head. The chord was wrapped around her neck twice. I thought to myself that she was dead. I literally thought that my perfectly wonderful baby was dead. Tanner knew immediately what I was thinking and grabbed my face and told me she was fine. He told me she was alive, healthy and wonderful and that I could do this. The midwives told me to flip on my hands and knees and by some magic, I flipped over. It felt like angel literally flipped my body over. 

I pushed twice and her little body flopped out. I grabbed her and pulled this wiggly, wet, beautiful baby onto my chest and just wept. 

She was perfect. And oh, she was here. She started screaming and I was so grateful she was alive. Her lungs worked, she drew breath and she could cry. She just laid there screaming as Tanner and I held each other and her. It was a perfect, beautiful moment.

After a while she stopped crying and just stared at me. Oh how I loved her. It was a surreal feeling staring at her beautiful eyes as she looked at me. I knew her. I knew she knew who I was too. 

Then Tanner cut the chord and we just continue to stare at her. It was magic. 

I delivered the placenta with a few coughs and then Tanner took her. She was calm and alert for two hours straight, all through measurements and through family visits.

My midwife shoveled chocolate pudding down my throat-gross-so I could take some ibuprofen. 

After an hour or so they took her and weighed her. She was a whopping 5 lbs 9 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. So perfect.  She got her vitamin k shot and her footprints stamped all while on the queen sized bed. It was wonderful and so intimate. 

My family came in about an hour and a half after she was born. The pictures say it all:

Oh, the moment a grandmother is born. Beautiful.

One of my favorite things about her is her stork's bite. I had one too on my forehead. When my mom pointed it out it just made me cry even more-she really was mine! 

I think one of the best things is seeing my dad with her. He is so tender and loving. He also says he wants to kidnap her all the time. 

Aunt Aubrey!!!

Aunt Natalie :)

Aunt Cami-she was a natural. 

His face is so funny. He was so sweet with her and has since learned that he can not break her.

These pictures melt my heart.

Aunty Anna. Sorry, I had to.

Skyping with Grammy and Papa Smurf! (Tanner's parents and two siblings at home)

We took her home four hours after she was born. It was wonderful.

It was a beautiful night. There was so much peace and love in that room. The whole day- 19 hours from when my water broke (the midwives wrote down I had a 26 hour labor?) was amazing. I want to do it all over again. Every moment of feeling defeated and exhausted was worth it. My husband was amazing. He was the biggest support through it all. He never left my side and was there to encourage me, to hold me and to carry me-literally. I feel so blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband. I also know that there were angels there to help us through it all. The spirit was very strong in the room and helped me find strength to do this.

We love Amalie Rose. We love the spirit she has brought into our home. We love all we have learned with her the past five weeks. She is wonderful. Her personality is already very alert and attentive. She is quite serious. She just wants to observe and be a part of it all. She is calm and very good natured. We feel blessed that such a sweet and obedient spirit has been sent to us, to teach us and to help us grow into who we need to be.

Our beautiful wonderful family.