Forgive 70 Times 7

Such a great video. I needed this today. Forgiveness will do nothing but heal you.

Complain much?

Yesterday we had Amalie's 6 month check up. WHAAA? She's six months in a week but our doc was going out of town for a while and when he gets back we'll be in Hawaii :) :) :)  SO we thought we'd go a bit early. Things are going well. She's healthy, happy and thriving... although barely. She's still in the 1% of weight. Sigh, I am just glad that this time my doctor didn't really care. I think he's finally realized that she's just petite. I like my doctor and the nurse who also helps us at the beginning but yesterday something she said bothered me...
She asked how much sleep she's getting? I calculated in my head and tried to make a good guess but I had to talk out loud...Oh she sleeps from such and such to such and such time and then naps blah blah blah.
Side story although it's important: Amalie does not like naps. She just...doesn't. She usually gets a good hour  (like right now she's been out for 50 min!!! Yay! I got to do stuff for my lesson AND write a blog post...we won't talk about how the house looks). But the rest of the day looks like this...twenty minutes at 2:30 ish, half an hour at 5ish. Not a big deal right, I can live with that. Although don't ask me what my house looks like. :)

So the nurse is asking me how she sleep and I tell her that she's not a great napper and doesn't sleep very long during the day. She just sorta looked at me and said, well enjoy it while it lasts because pretty soon she won't be napping at all.
This is true. She won't be napping for forever and I should enjoy it while it lasts but I was a bit dumbfounded. I would rather her not sleep at all and be happy and not needing those naps then have a fussy, fighting sleep baby for the entire afternoon. Again, see the state of my house.
And for another thing, don't tell me to enjoy it while it lasts. Don't you think I like it when my baby sleeps? I do. I really like it when she sleeps. I am grateful for it and want to scream and shout and run around dancing when she finally falls asleep. I really really like it when she sleeps, but that doesn't mean I didn't wish she slept longer. You can get a lot done in half and hour but then again, you can't. I get a lot of things half done.

This is an awesome post right? Don't you love reading about my baby's sleeping schedule and how I like to complain about it and anything I can?

THE POINT: I don't like it when nurses ask me a medical question and then proceed to make sure I am grateful and tell me to "enjoy it". Believe me, I enjoy my baby and I really like it when she naps.

Also, I forgot how much I loved cherries. I am so happy they are here for a while. And the farmer's market. Yay for the farmer's market.

In which I am mad at my cough.

So.

I have had this weird voice/cough thing for 5 days now and I don't like it. 

I don't like it for many reasons but the number one reason is because one of my dearest friends just had a baby on Thursday. 

I need to meet this baby. I yearn to hold that baby and snuggle that baby and hug my friend and be with her for a while and just, you know, be there.

But I can't. So please ugly cough/bronchitis/virus, whatever you are. Go away. 

Phyllis Diller on Breastfeeding

This video is just awesome. I love her.

My baby likes to bite things. Everything.

A teething baby plus a sick mom is pretty boring. And miserable. I am not going to pretend that it's not miserable. So, when Daddy got home from work and school I got a little bath. Then he took the babe to the store to do my grocery shopping and pick up a pizza from dinner. I am really grateful for these tender mercies.

And I am really excited for pizza. Yummy, oily pizza.

I'm slightly freaking out that I will be teaching in a few short months. I want this summer to go really really slow but also fast forward to June 22nd so we can make our way to the Island of Oahu.
Any recommendations for cheap suits? I bought one an old navy that I really like but I think it would be nice to have another. My other suits are so old and starting to get thread bare that I think it's more of a need than a want to have a new suit.

Also, I once asked about book recommendations on this here blog and got some great suggestions, in fact I read them all.

What else have you got for me? Books, swimming suits and anything else that tickles your fancy.

Happy Monday

Monthly Update

I am really sorry I haven't posted anything in a month. A month! I will try to do better. I feel that all I ever do now is quick updates...Oh well!

-Amalie rolled over Monday. It was awesome except that I missed it. Yes, it's true I missed her first roll over. I hardly ever leave her alone in another room or anything and Monday morning I was desperate for some breakfast so I put her on her tummy in the living room while I watched her and made myself breakfast. In the two seconds I turn my back to get toast out she giggles and I look back to see her on her back. I was so excited and happy that I hardly had time to be sad that I missed it.
She didn't do it until dinner time when Tanner came home and put her on her tummy. I was again eating (it's hard to find time to sit down and eat!) and she rolled. I seriously missed her again. I caught her do it again that night and 1/3 times in the day is better than nothing right? And I know it's not a big deal...it's just funny.
-Tanner got a job doing PR for the BYU Law School. He'll be writing articles and doing other PR stuff for them. It's awesome. He is also doing Spring classes and is rocking them...especially gymnastics. He comes home and tells me all the scary things he does and I try not to imagine them happening. He's too coordinated and too much of a dare-devil for me to freak out about things.
-My family moved from Highland to Alpine. I went through our old house one night and cried in every room and said good bye. Seriously I think my hormones are still out of whack. Either that or I'm just very sentimental for memories. The new house is gorgeous and has a downstairs apartment we'll be living in come August. We're very excited.
-I have tried to be more productive...I try and get out when I can and see people when I can. I need mommy friends.
-We had a huge yard sale last weekend for our ward and it was a big success. We raised a lot of money and I was so glad to get everything out of our house. We filled a medium sized U-Haul with junk/another man's treasure in my house. We are blessed to live in a place where we could actually do that...but I am seriously happy it's gone.
-Tanner and I danced in a PAC show. There were a bunch of people gone for various reasons and it was fun to step in and be back stage. It was a bit different having a baby but fun nonetheless. I am really glad that chapter is over though. It was wonderful but it's great to be where we are.
-HOWEVER, we aren't really done with folk dance because I was hired to help with costumes!  It will be great to have little projects to do over the summer and to help with that. Too bad my sewing machine broke.
-We bought a lovely dining table on ksl. It's solid knotty alder and very pretty. It seats 6 comfortably and we'll use it for a while. I'm on the search for some fun mismatched chairs so keep your ears/eyes out for me!

We are happy and busy and very blessed.  Seriously look at that face. She's our curious, wonderful little girl. And she loves to scream.

How to clip a baby's fingernails

If you are a new parent or have every been assigned the task of clipping a baby or child's fingernails you will want to keep reading. 

Please follow these steps if you would like to be a pro at baby fingernail clipping

1. Make sure said baby is drowsy or super happy. This is not a task to try when the baby is fussy or hungry or overstimulated (flapping arms and legs, whining, etc).

2. Lay baby on bed as you were to change a diaper.

3. Bend over baby and let your hair drop towards their face. This is key. If you are a male, borrow a wig. 

4. Let the baby grab your hair. Grab the baby's other hand. Firmly grasp finger and attack.

5. The baby will be happy to pull your hair and you will be happy to clips those nasty sharp fingernails.

6. Repeat as needed

Today Amalie has been sleeping ALL DAY LONG. I seriously feel like she's two days old. She's eating almost every single hour as well. I'm not even going to ask if this is normal because I don't really care. She's happy and if she's tired she'll sleep. If she's hungry I'll feed her. (Thank you abundant milk supply). 

I have been trying really hard to switch my mindset with this baby of mine. Who cares what other people say and do with their children. It's up to them. They can do what they want. I will try and follow my gut, the spirit and my child's cues. My baby is really happy and I'm really happy so who cares?

And if she doesn't start rolling over soon...deep breaths my baby is normal and she just doesn't want to roll over yet. And she doesn't like to sit up in her bumbo, or my leg or propped up on pillows. She just doesn't like to bend. It's fine. She can stand and lay and hold herself up all she wants. I will carry her all she wants. I won't get to do this all the time and I need to soak it in. And now I'm just letting the keys type themselves with my thoughts.

Happy fingernail clipping. 

Geez..I am such a mom.

Tooting my own horn

I have noticed something.
When I get out and do things during the day and accomplish little things, I feel so much better about myself.
I have often found myself sitting in bed with the babe, watching netflix while she sleeps and doing a whole lot of nothing. Those days I feel like crying when Tanner gets home and feel very useless. I feel that I'm not contributing to society.
Today was different. I took a shower (!!) Yay!, gave my sweet baby a bath, blow dried my hair, did laundry including our cloth diapers (I say this because it takes more time than one load :)), went on campus to have Amalie participate in a study for four month olds. She notices emotion. She's doing great :). Then I picked up the house a little bit, picked up Tanner, went to the grocery store, sewed some costumes, made half of dinner (Tanner finished the rest) and played with fed the baby all throughout.
This may not seem like a lot but wow do I feel great when I get things done. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself at the end of the day when I have gotten out and have done things that don't include selfish things.
Happy Monday :)

Picture Overload Jan-Feb

In the first few weeks...eating dinner. Pj's, wrap and a silly outfit for the babe.

Pre-bath accidents.

First bottle at 6 weeks. We had to prepare her so we could go see Phantom of the Opera at BYU. Tanner's sister danced in it! 

Playing in the snow with Daddy/Papa.

Handsome dad and snow-suited babe.

Helping with Laundry

Now I am done putting these in order...It is taking too long. I am sorry...

Amalie's lover puckering up

Eating her hand

Trying for kisses...again. 

Eating her hand.

Being adorable

Showing mom his new face.

It ended with a punch to the nose. I am already teaching her well.

No, it's not Thanksgiving. A big dinner with Tanner's family! 

My family at the blessing

Fun with family

My parents at the blessing. We didn't catch any of Tanner's family on our camera. And no, that is not my mirror. I don't like it. 

Cute cousin being silly

Grandma Mary and the swaddled dear.

First time being held my Papa Rick! 

This picture kills me. Too cute.

And this. My daughter is so beautiful.

Grammy with her dad.

Cece and her first grandbaby.

Sometimes she falls asleep in silly positions. This picture is old. She doesn't do this anymore.

 Those pictures are really old, from January and February. She's much bigger now. I will upload more pictures soon.

Here's an update on our life:
-We switched to cloth diapers and I LOVE THEM. So does Tanner. I think Amalie is happy too. I feel richer already.
-My parents are moving to Alpine, Utah. They bought a beautiful new home just minutes away from where there were before. We're really happy for them. They have a month to get out of their house and into the new one. Yay packing! :)
-We are moving in with them in August. As much as I always said I would never live with my parents/in-laws, this is just perfect. I'll be teaching at Timberline Middle School this Fall and my mom will be watching the babe. I already feel guilt and sadness because I won't be with her---but it's okay. This is just the perfect arrangement and we feel really blessed. There is a downstairs separate apartment with two bedrooms, washing room, a big bathroom I would have been able to actually fit into while I was pregnant, and a lovely kitchen. It's actually really nice and we're excited. :)
-We're getting an awesome tax return so we won't starve this summer. *perks of having a baby*
-Sometimes while Amalie naps I do yoga. It's really refreshing.
-I get to dance with PAC again for a show at the end of April. The show is in Ogden...wanna come see me relive my glory days? (some girls are not able to  make the show due to wedding and such) I have some major cardio to do if I want to make it through an entire show. I'm completely serious...I need to get my heart in shape.
-The semester is almost over which means we get to have Tanner back in our lives for a few days before he starts Spring semester. He works so hard and I love him for it.
-I had finally admitted that my daughter doesn't like to be cuddled. She likes to be held when she's happy but otherwise she would rather look around at the world while being held. She doesn't particularly like nursing either. This is okay. My mom says she is a lot like I was. I didn't like to be cuddled or nurse either. I guess I'm okay and I have a really good relationship with my mom...so I am over it.
We have lots of fun giggling and smiling throughout the day. She doesn't like taking long naps either. She takes a morning nap for 50 minutes and then the afternoon she takes short 20-30 min naps. This doesn't give me a lot of time to get things done but we are getting by. My mom also said I did the same thing.  Like mother like daughter. :)

Found

Today as my little family loaded into the car, a lady ran across the street to ask for help. Her daughter was missing. They didn't know where she was. She had gone to a sleepover last night and wasn't answering her phone. They knew the house was somewhere in the neighborhood and needed to know which house it was.

They asked if I knew of anyone who had just turned 18 and would be having a party here. I knew immediately who it was. An inactive laurel would be turning 18 this month. I knew she had a birthday in March. I had her number. We called her and the lady got a hold of her daughter and found the house.

She called it luck. I know it was more than that. We are probably the only people in the whole neighborhood who know this girl. I was probably one of the only people who knew she had a birthday in march, let alone had her number.

The Lord is so good. I love little tender mercies such as these that remind us that the Lord watches over us. He hears our silent and loud prayers and puts people in our lives that can help us. I am so grateful I was able to help this woman find her daughter. I was so grateful for the reminder that we are loved and looked after.

Are you there?

Well, now I feel as if I'm writing to no one.
Here's the reasoning behind going private.
I was looking at where my traffic was coming from and saw a site that linked 23 viewers to my blog. I hadn't seen it before so I clicked. It led me to a pornography site. I was completely sickened as I closed my browser and couldn't shake the awful image I saw. I sat there praying and trying to push away the image and nasty feeling I had. After many prayers I finally began to wonder how in the world people could find my blog through that site. I did not want any one in the whole world to be able to click my blog so I decided to go private.
Since then, I think only two people have viewed the blog?
I blog partly for journaling purposes but I also blog to get my ideas out there and get feedback. I also read other people's blogs to catch up and see what is going on in my friend's lives. I imagine some people read this blog for the same reason. There seems no point in posting if no one will view it.

So faithful readers...all two of you...What should I do? Keep it private or open this blog up again? Are there other privacy settings I can switch around so I don't get traffic from unwanted sources? Any insight you have would be great.

My Life is crazy.

It's rare that I have two hands to type a blog post. And when I do have two hands to do anything, I like to wash dishes, fold laundry and do other productive things.
Life is great.
Okay...back up. Life is stressful and great.

Here's a run down on the past two months.
- Had Amalie. Awesome. Wonderful. Life changing and magical.
-Amalie was 5 weeks old. I received a calling in my ward. Young Women's President. So exciting...lots of time.
-Interviewed for an internship I didn't apply for. I was offered the job on the spot. I will be teaching FACS classes at Timberline Middle School this upcoming fall. So exciting and such a blessing. It will be stressful, hard and I am already beating myself up for leaving my baby but it must be done. I have to either student teach or intern and we need money. Timberline is also minutes away from my parents house and my mom will be watching Amalie.
-Tanner's family came in town Thursday-Sunday for the baby blessing. Thursday-fed family and first mutual, Friday-fed 15 in our home, Saturday-fed 11, and saw Phantom of the Opera at BYU (Tanner's sister danced in it-amazing), Sunday-fed 40+ after the blessing. Sunday afternoon-crashed on couches.
-Went to Trader Joe's and thanked the heavens it was finally in Utah.
-Watched a lot of The Office
-Yes, I am now typing this one handed as I nurse my baby. I am just that devoted.
-Tanner's mom came this past weekend Thursday-Sunday. We had a lovely V-day with Tanner at school until 8, mutual at 7 at our house and dinner at 9:30. But!!! We made the best pork chops ever.
-Back spasms all weekend, emergency massage Sunday, pinched nerve and a new momma who can't really hold her child with out wanting to cry. I am going to go see a chiropractor soon...anyone want to come home my baby?? :)
-Most days I put on make up and somedays I shower. I make dinner a lot and enjoy my babies coo's and happiness. She's the best. She's really small too. I love her.


So...life is good and stressful. We are happy and just trying to go with the change.

Going Private

Hi Friends,
I have decided to make my blog private. Please leave a comment with your email or message me on facebook if you would like to continue to read. Thanks so much. Hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for all the kind comments from the last post.

The Birth Story of Amalie

I think it scares me to write this story down, to try and capture the beauty, the joy and the magnitude of this day. That however, is a fixed mind-set (more on that later-but read "Mindset" until then).

How do I go about writing about a day that completely changed who I was? How do I eloquently describe my feelings and thoughts. How can I transport you, the anonymous reader into that 26 hour time frame? How do I make you experience my emotions and see the beauty and miracle of life. I can't, not perfectly a least, but I will try.

Something you should know: I am a strong believer in natural birth. I believe in midwifes and I strongly dislike the business that birthing human beings has become. I believe that I, as a woman was made to carry and birth a child. I was designed to know how to do this. For thousands of years women have carried and birthed healthy children. Many died yes, but so many more lived. 

Watch "The Business of Being Born." Know that 1 out of every 3 children born in the U.S. is delivered via C-section. Know that your OBGYN is a trained surgeon. Know that most OBGYN's have never seen a natural childbirth and consequently don't know that it can be a natural and normal process. Know that the U.S. has one of the highest mortality rates of mothers and newborns of a developed country. (If you want sources on these, let me know. They are from numerous articles I have read but a lot will come from "The Business of Being Born"-Netflix people).

All that being said, I am completely supportive of people making their own decisions and doing what they feel comfortable with. I think hospitals and doctors and modern medicine are incredible. I just think there are unnecessary things that happen and complicate the process when it comes to child birthing in the hospital. 

Also, I did not choose to do this because it was trendy. I did not choose to have a natural child birth because I wanted to prove something to myself or the world. I didn't do this to show that I was more woman than those who choose to have pain medication. Because it doesn't matter if you have pain medication or not-it doesn't make you more of a woman to experience more "pain" than the next. That isn't what it is about. It was about coming back to the way things were meant to be. It was about having my body perform an incredible function that it was supposed to do. My body knows how to carry and have a child and I needed to trust my body and let it do its thing. It was about understanding that my body was in control, and that was an incredible thing to have to do, turn over my control to my body. It was also about being in tune and feeling every part of the process. It was about understanding who I was as a woman and being there, involved in all of it. 

Weird that I feel like I have to defend myself about this...

Background:

At 26 weeks I starting having contractions or braxton hicks. They scared me. I didn't want this babe to come that soon. Everything was fine and I was put on a "modified lifestyle." I couldn't exercise and I had to slow things down. Contractions continued the rest of the pregnancy but I had countless experiences and confirmations that everything would be just fine and this sweet baby girl would wait until the time was right. 

So I was used to having contractions. I was used the tightening sensation that hugged my baby.

Something else you should know: my birth preparation was called hypnobabies. Learn more at hypnobabies.com. It is a wonderful awesome way to retrain your mind about birth. So much in our society shows labor and delivery as painful, scary and something out of your control. All of these things are not true. We live with this and we have an expectation that labor will be the most painful thing a woman will have to experience. This is just not true. Hypnobabies helped me retrain my thinking so that I understood that I had control over what I was feeling, that I could create anesthesia in my body (it works) and that labor was wonderful and painless.

I had a painless birth.

Thursday, December 13th

10:00 am I wake up and do a bunch of nothing.

11:30 am I bake a cake

1:00 pm I pretend to study for my last final. I calculate that if I were to get 50/100 I would still have a solid A in the class. That is why I didn't study. I take the final online and pull off an 82. Cool.

4:15 pm We drive up to Mutual Dell up the American Fork Canyon for my little sister's surprise 16th birthday party. We set up, we party and we have a good time.

6:00-9:30 pm Tanner and I teach a line dance. I party with my family. I dance...a lot. I was done with finals and we were ready for baby to come whenever she wanted to (on her birthday of course, I also don't believe in due dates).

9:30 pm We start to clean up. I'm having a lot of contractions and they're pretty close together. A few of them begin to take my breath away. I lie down.

10:30 pm We arrive at my parents house and start to get ready for The Hobbit. I'm still having contractions and I'm trying not to think about it.

11:06 pm Wet sensation. I think to myself that perhaps my water is breaking. No big gush, just a small trickle. An uncontrollable trickle nonetheless. I tell Tanner. He gets excited. I'm trying not to get excited because what if I'm just being silly. The trickling however, does not cease.

11:08 pm. I go downstairs to where my mom is in her room getting ready for bed.

Me- "Mom, I think my water may have just broken."

Mom- "Ahh really?"

Dad- (asleep in the bed before The Hobbit premiere) "What? You think your water broke? That's so cool."

Me- "Can I show you, I just want to be sure."

Mom- "Um ya, I'm pretty sure your water has broken. What are you going to do?"

11:25-11:40 pm I call the midwife who tells me I'm at the early stages of labor and to take it easy and try to sleep. I tell her I want to go see The Hobbit and ask her what her opinion is. She called the other midwife and says it's up to us but thinks I should rest. Tanner and I debate about whether or not we should go. My mom says it may be good to go to get my mind off it. I am worried because I need rest but I also think I won't be able to sleep because I'm too excited.

11:40 pm My family leaves for the movie.

12:00 am Tanner and I leave for the movie.

12:15- 1:15 am We "watch" The Hobbit. I tell a woman in the bathroom I'm in labor-I had to tell someone! She was very concerned. I was just excited. We count contractions in the dark theatre. Tanner records them on the phone. I try different positions in the dark theatre. The movie isn't fast paced enough at the beginning. I'm bored and can't sit still. We decide to leave.

1:30 am We try and sleep. Sleep does not happen. I'm woken up every once in a while with pressure waves a.k.a contractions. Tanner keeps track of them all and helps me through them.

4:00 am ish We fill up the big jet tub in my parents bathroom. They go upstairs to sleep. It was very nice of them. I was so grateful in that moment that we were at my parents house because that tub was awesome. It was so big and lovely. 

5:30 am We call the midwives and they want us to come in to see how things are going. My contractions were 3-5 minutes a part but then we would have randomly at 7 min, 10 min, 2 min. They were all over the place. 

6:00 am to the birthing center. I'm 75% effaced and 2 cm. Seriously? All that work for nothing?? LAME. I am redetermined to open myself up and get this baby moving. They give me tylenol pm and magnesium so I can sleep.

6:30 am We get home, I pop in the tylenol pm and drift in and out for a few hours. 

8:30 am The fun begins!!! From here on out I do not remember times at all. It was a haze. I was on my hands and knees a lot during the contractions. Tanner would press on my hips because I was having some major back labor. 

We were in the bed for a while then moved to the couch. We stayed at the couch for a few hours...it felt like a minute-even though there were many contractions had there. I really wanted some ice chips for some reason. It was hard to drink water and eat although I and my midwives wanted me to eat throughout labor. I was just too nauseated. It was funny because after I told Tanner I wanted ice chips I thought-that is awful! That is what they give you in the hospital! Of course by this point I was having contractions every 5 minutes so Tanner couldn't really leave. Okay, he could have but I would not have survived with out him. I am completely serious when I say that. I could not have done it without him. Brian, his best friend was kind enough to go to Macey's and get some of the pebble ice for me. As he was dropping them off and Tanner was out the door, I started contracting. It freaked me out to not have Tanner there.

Tanner was amazing holding me up under the arms. I bore down and sometime even put my leg on the couch in the splits position. Somehow that helped? I think it was nice because I could visualize my hips opening up. How much detail should I go into here? ha ha Anyways, Tanner was recording, holding me, talking to me and it was great. Everytime I had a contraction I would visualize everything opening up and breath or make an "ahhh" sound. When your throat is open, everything else is open. It's called the sphincter law. Pretty neat stuff. 

Throughout this I had to use the bathroom a lot. It is hard to have a contraction when you are using the bathroom. The end...of that.

I was able to snack on some energy granola bars that my mom had gotten me from Costco and they were awesome. 

Sometime during this I asked Tanner to call the midwives because I was having contractions consistently now and wasn't sure when we should go in to the birthing center. Of course I wanted to go as long as possible at home but kept having visions of having her in the car-I did NOT want that to happen. They instruct Tanner that at some point I'll go into labor land. I guess this meant that I would be completely in the zone and a bit out of it? I don't know exactly. 

12:00 pm I get in our tub. Too small. I couldn't move around and change positions. It was annoying.

12:30 pm My mom came over. She brought us Zupas. I got into the bed. I scarfed down mushroom soup between contractions. Everytime Tanner would start eating I would have a contraction and he had to be there pushing on my hips poor guy. Tanner was so amazing talking me through everything. He had little things to say (that the hypnobabies program told him to say). The best thing that he did was validate everything I was doing. If I was breathing or making a certain sound he told me that it was good. He encouraged me to take control over what I was feeling and get in tune with my body. He was amazing.

1:30-2:00 pm I start to go into labor land. I am completely focused and in the zone. I am having contractions 3-5 minutes apart and Tanner called the midwives to let them know that we were thinking about coming in. I think they were a bit skeptical but of course let us come.

2:15-2:30 pm This is probably the worst part of it all. I hated being the car. The front seat was reclined and I was trying to get in comfortable positions but it was so hard. Tanner had to drive and I had to breath and moan on my own. I wanted to kill whoever invented stop lights. At the light right before the birthing center I was facing the back of the car with the reclined seat during a contraction. I remember thinking, if someone looked over at me right now would they think I was completely insane or gather that I was in labor? Who knows.

2:30 pm We get to the birthing center. I was mad that I had to wear clothes in order to get there. TMI? Whatever-I am telling you that when you are in labor you do NOT want clothes on (and I consider myself a very modest person). I thought I would labor in a dress or tank top but no way. I am just so grateful I did not have to have the hospital gown on because that is more awkward than being stark naked...because you're trying to cover up but you can't and it's just awkward. I'm sorry. This is a birth story, what did you expect?

At the birthing center they checked me. Now let me say something right here. I did not want to be checked throughout the pregnancy and labor unless it was necessary. I think they wanted to see how far I had progressed although numbers don't mean a whole lot to me. But I think they just didn't think I was ready to come in to the birthing center. When I was checked I got a  "oh hey girlfriend!!!" from my student midwife. I was a 7 and 100% effaced. That's what I'm talking about.

So they drew a bath and off we went. I threw up as soon as we got into the birthing suite and they were happy about that. Remember the sphincter law? I got in the bathtub and Tanner put on his swimming suit. Here are some pictures... don't worry they are modest. 

I love Tanner's face in this.
He worked so hard through this all. In the bathtub his leg were shaking like crazy!  He was so tired and holding me and pressing me. What an amazing man.

I think the biggest compliment to me and to hypnobabies was when my midwife told me she didn't know when I was having a contraction. Why don't I play poker?

3:30-4:00 I labored and felt like I maybe wanted to start pushing. Looking back I realize this was premature but you don't know how to push if you have never done it before. I was on my hands and knees a lot. At one point they encouraged me to change positions to help her down. We put on the pushing out hypnobabies CD in the background. It was lovely.

4:00-5:00?? pm I got on the birthing stool. That was annoying. As I sat there with Tanner behind me, the student midwife in front, the supervising midwife to the side, another student midwife taking notes and observing and my mom all sitting in this larger bathroom I realized how vulnerable I was. I mumbled something about hating being the center of attention. The supervising midwife asked if I wanted some of them to leave and I did. Everyone left except my student midwife and Tanner. I felt like I could let loose a bit more. At this point I could feel her head. That was neat but discouraging as she was so close yet wasn't coming.

5:00? pm They ask if I want to move to the bed. I secretly wanted to birth in the tub if it could happen that way. But at this point I was up for anything. They were worried that her head was stuck. When a baby is coming out of the birth canal, their head should be tucked with their chin towards their chest. They were concerned that her head was flexed and her chin wasn't near her chest. I would push and she would start coming and then would back up. It was two steps forward, one step back. That was hard. So they got me on the bed and checked her head. It was indeed flexed and not in the right position. So while I pushed they puller her head into the right position. YAY!

After I went to he bed I just laid on my side. I think I had silent tears and felt completely exhausted. I just wanted to be done. I was ready for her to be out. My midwife stroked my face and hair and I remember thinking it felt so nice. She was so tender and caring. I loved her. I snoozed for about two minutes which was the extra boost I needed. I thought it was five, but Tanner says two even though it felt like it was a long time. It helped me nonetheless.

The next part on the bed was a blur. I was completely in the zone and relaxed. When I felt a contraction I would push and feel a lot of pressure. All of the sudden they put an oxygen mask on me. I thought that meant I was dying. I had no IV's or anything constricting me throughout this all so this felt like my world was closing in around me. Apparently her heart rate had started to drop and they were wanting to make sure she was getting enough oxygen. I started to black out and hyperventilate. TOO MUCH OXYGEN. They took it off after about two minutes. I truly and honestly thought I was going to die in those moments. I was pushing, there was soo much pressure and I was blacking out. And I thought there was an emergency because they put oxygen on me. I am sure they told me what was going on but I was too out of it to remember. When I say out of it I am meaning that I was very focused on my body and letting it work the way it needed to. I was trying to get in the rhythm of my contractions and push whenever I could. Everything was a big blur. 

While Tanner was cradling me in his arms and I was pushing, these are thoughts I had:

The midwives kept telling me she had a lot of hair. I remember thinking "who cares? I don't care if she has hair, I just want her out!"

At one point I thought, "maybe she could just stay in there? She's been fine for 9 months, I don't really want to see her."

After she was crowning for a while I asked if they could just reach in there and grab her. I said, "Can't you just reach in there and grab her??" My midwife said she was trying but just couldn't get a good grip! Hilarious. 

Another time, as I was moaning/growling (yes I was extremely vocal. Probably embarrassingly so but who cares) the observing midwife advised me to moan in a different way so I don't get a hoarse voice. I starting making some other noise and thanked her. Because seriously, who wants a hoarse voice right after they had a baby? 

I was so beyond tired. I pushed for about two hours and man it was hard stuff. I truly thought I could not get her out. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to just get her out. Looking back I realize she obviously was not ready yet. Her head was flexed and I was new to this. I was just figuring it out and that is okay. You do have to get to a point where you don't think you can do it anymore. That is when the Lord steps in and you trust Him. You trust that he has created my body to do this and that your baby will not be in there forever. You trust your husband and body. Tanner was so encouraging and helpful and somewhere deep down in myself I found the strength to do this. It was so hard but so wonderful.

Suddenly her head came out! I looked down and saw a blue head. The chord was wrapped around her neck twice. I thought to myself that she was dead. I literally thought that my perfectly wonderful baby was dead. Tanner knew immediately what I was thinking and grabbed my face and told me she was fine. He told me she was alive, healthy and wonderful and that I could do this. The midwives told me to flip on my hands and knees and by some magic, I flipped over. It felt like angel literally flipped my body over. 

I pushed twice and her little body flopped out. I grabbed her and pulled this wiggly, wet, beautiful baby onto my chest and just wept. 

She was perfect. And oh, she was here. She started screaming and I was so grateful she was alive. Her lungs worked, she drew breath and she could cry. She just laid there screaming as Tanner and I held each other and her. It was a perfect, beautiful moment.

After a while she stopped crying and just stared at me. Oh how I loved her. It was a surreal feeling staring at her beautiful eyes as she looked at me. I knew her. I knew she knew who I was too. 

Then Tanner cut the chord and we just continue to stare at her. It was magic. 

I delivered the placenta with a few coughs and then Tanner took her. She was calm and alert for two hours straight, all through measurements and through family visits.

My midwife shoveled chocolate pudding down my throat-gross-so I could take some ibuprofen. 

After an hour or so they took her and weighed her. She was a whopping 5 lbs 9 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. So perfect.  She got her vitamin k shot and her footprints stamped all while on the queen sized bed. It was wonderful and so intimate. 

My family came in about an hour and a half after she was born. The pictures say it all:

Oh, the moment a grandmother is born. Beautiful.

One of my favorite things about her is her stork's bite. I had one too on my forehead. When my mom pointed it out it just made me cry even more-she really was mine! 

I think one of the best things is seeing my dad with her. He is so tender and loving. He also says he wants to kidnap her all the time. 

Aunt Aubrey!!!

Aunt Natalie :)

Aunt Cami-she was a natural. 

His face is so funny. He was so sweet with her and has since learned that he can not break her.

These pictures melt my heart.

Aunty Anna. Sorry, I had to.

Skyping with Grammy and Papa Smurf! (Tanner's parents and two siblings at home)

We took her home four hours after she was born. It was wonderful.

It was a beautiful night. There was so much peace and love in that room. The whole day- 19 hours from when my water broke (the midwives wrote down I had a 26 hour labor?) was amazing. I want to do it all over again. Every moment of feeling defeated and exhausted was worth it. My husband was amazing. He was the biggest support through it all. He never left my side and was there to encourage me, to hold me and to carry me-literally. I feel so blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband. I also know that there were angels there to help us through it all. The spirit was very strong in the room and helped me find strength to do this.

We love Amalie Rose. We love the spirit she has brought into our home. We love all we have learned with her the past five weeks. She is wonderful. Her personality is already very alert and attentive. She is quite serious. She just wants to observe and be a part of it all. She is calm and very good natured. We feel blessed that such a sweet and obedient spirit has been sent to us, to teach us and to help us grow into who we need to be.

Our beautiful wonderful family.

The best Christmas present-a baby.

Well my friends, I have a baby.
She is wonderful. We love her a lot. It seems strange that she just joined our family. It seems like she's been here a lot longer than three weeks and two days. Boy, has that time flown by.
I promise I'll write the birth story soon (hopefully this week) but for now, here are some little updates.
Amalie Rose Pearson was born Dec 14 at 6:19 pm. She weighed a whopping 5 lbs 9 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long.
We didn't have a name for her for about three days. Our list of names just weren't fitting for her. I was frustrated because I wanted a spiritual confirmation of sorts but it just wasn't coming. Our first night home (which was the night she was born-I love birthing centers) I was up in a daze at 3 am feeding her and Tanner was in and out. I guess I muttered something about wanting to name her after a flower. Thus, Rose was born. We thought about having that be her first name for a while but it just wasn't working. Amalie had been on our list but we had basically crossed it off a while ago. Then it hit me, Amalie Rose. That's when the confirmation came. She is so beautiful and the name truly does fit her.
We originally spelled it Amelie. That is the French spelling and Tanner speaks French and we loved it. However, we soon learned that no one knew how to pronounce or spell her name. I was annoyed and didn't want her to be so annoyed for the rest of her life.
My Great-Aunt found a Hedwig Amalie in our line shortly after and I thought that we might as well spell it a way that is a bit less confusing. People still make butcher it but now it's Amalie, the German spelling. And yes, I will obviously call her Hedwig sometimes. If I had known before that we had a Hedwig in our family, that may have been her name. Luckily for her, it will now only be a nick name.
PS. It's pronounced Aw-ma-lie with a long A sound and the accent on the A. Confused? Ask me in person and Amalie, I'm sorry if I cursed you with a ridiculous name. I think it's beautiful.

So we've had a lovely three weeks together as a family. We spent the first week at our home, we had some visitors over and it was great. The ward provided wonderful meals and we had a great time. Then we went to my parents house and stayed there for two weeks. This was not our intention. We planned on staying until the day after Christmas and then returning home to get the hang of our new family but alas, it made sense to stay until new years eve and then while Tanner was snowboarding our car and house key ended up who knows where in the snow of Sundance. We stayed longer than we meant to but it was wonderful. We really loved being at my parents house. It was fun to see my siblings ooh and ahh over my daughter .... AH. My parents were equally as adoring.
We had a lovely Christmas and were spoiled. We not only got a precious child but also a beautiful camera. So my new project for this year is to get my food blog going. It was originally made for a school project but I want to keep it going and now I have a nice camera to take pictures of the food and they will actually look appetizing!

I want to say so much more about our wonderful little girl. But words just don't do my feelings justice. I'll put more of my thoughts with the birth story.
All I can say is that this little child is a miracle. Creation is beautiful and we are blessed to have this special spirit in our home. We feel peace with her and peace in knowing that everything happened in the right time. She smiled intentionally at us last night and oh how my heart wanted to burst. You really don't know what love is until you have a child. And you don't know how much you love your spouse until that happens. I feel whole now. I feel like I've left the old Katrina in the dust and embraced who I was meant to be. I have never felt more complete in my life since I've become a mother. It's my purpose in life and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to figure things out with my husband and our sweet Amalie.