Therapy

Some friends came over tonight and we sat and talked for just a bit. They're great and they're getting married in March. We're excited for them. As we handed them some marriage books, (we are so weird) I realized that one of the best pieces of advice I ever heard from someone about marriage was from an old dance director. Edwin.

One afternoon during mid-semester tour in California, I was having my headache massaged out by our wonderful dance trainer. I'm just lying (laying?) there enjoying the quiet and in walks Ed. If you know him, you know he's not the quietest fellow (it's also one of the best things about him). He just walks up to the table where I'm lying (laying?) and randomly asks me, "can you and Tanner talk?" I was taken off guard a bit. "Yes," I questioningly replied. He responded with, "Good. Because you know, you really need to marry someone who is your therapist and who you can talk to about anything with. My wife is the best therapist in the world".

That took a little while to sink in. We were only engaged at this point. I soon learned how true this therapy stuff really was.

We all have problems. Really we do. Not everyone has the same problems, but we do have them. Therapists help you work through problems, especially trying to undo some crazy ways in which your brain has learned to process things. BUT let me tell you a little secret. My husband is a better therapist than that professional I once went to. Well okay, better in some ways but not all. Here's the reason why.

Communication is really important in relationships. The most important part of communication however is listening. We forget that sometimes. We learn about communication and meta-communication, different strategies of how to bring up sensitive topics and how to get our point across nicely. Most times we forget to learn how to listen. We are not always taught to listen with your heart and with the purpose of understanding. Get inside that person's brain. Feel what they are feeling and then don't try to fix it the moment a solution pops into your head. Good therapist's LISTEN. They write what they are hearing and they listen some more, they process and then when the person is done talking, they give one or two simple things for that person to do and then they build that person up and validate their feelings (it's called emotion coaching-I'll post about that another time).

So why does your spouse need to be a therapist? Because you have problems. And why do you need to be a therapist for your spouse? Because they will have problems. And you HAVE to learn how to listen.